Harry Potter and the Philosepher's Chamber
by therunaway
Summary: Tons of books all meet at Harry Potter World... Sounds dumb but it's kind of funny.This is a story mostly based on comedy though it is a little moral...also my first fafic so please don't kill me
1. The Door Opens

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Chamber of Azkaban AND the Goblet of Phoenix  
1 The Doors Are Opened  
  
Hermione, Harry and Ron are sitting in the common room looking deep in thought.  
Suddenly Harry jumps up. "We gotta find the Philosopher's Chamber of Azkaban and the Goblet of Phoenix!"  
Hermione also jumps up. "Don't you have a thing for saving people, Harry? DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?"  
"Why aren't you talking about Vicky, Hermione? We know you love him!!!! Everyone likes good old Vicky!" says Ron his voice dripping with deep sarcasm and jealousy.  
"No really, guys, we gotta find the Philosopher's Chamber of Azkaban and the Goblet of Phoenix!" Harry says urgently.  
"NO, HARRY! WE DON'T NEED TO SAVE HIM!!! YOU HAVE A THING FOR SAVING PEOPLE! DON'T YOU, HARRY?!!!! DON'T YOU?!!!!" Hermione screams.  
Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape and Moody walk in. They position themselves in a straight line. "Is there anything wrong, students? We heard yelling," Dumbledore asks.  
Harry, Ron and Hermione point to each other and yell, "They won't listen to me!"  
Lockhart walks in and into the line of teachers. "I'm sure I can be of help. I know just the charm."  
Dumbledore holds up his woolly socks. "Now, now, my socks will solve the problem. They are all powerful."  
"I think you're breaking rules. I know you are! I am the bearer of the rules and I know every single one. I'll prove it #1. All students must not complain about other students #2. Woolly socks are not allowed on school grounds. #3.Students must not sing or yell-" McGonagall starts to say 50 of the rules and then makes her destination higher- to 5 million.  
"I think I'll sing a song about Vicky since we all love him so much... Vicky is the greatest. Hermione loves him. Vicky is the greatest. Everyone loves him. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeah! He's the smartest, coolest, best lookin' guy on Earth!" Ron sings.  
"SINGING IS AGAINST THE RULES!!!!! #3. STUDENTS MUST NOT SING OR YELL!!!!!!!!!!" McGonagall shouts abandoning her 5 million rules.  
Lockhart steps forward and raises his wand. "I know exactly the spell to make him stop!"  
Snape pushes Lockhart back into line and steps forward "No you don't! You are the most hopeless Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Hogwarts has ever had! I should be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts! ME! NOT YOU! ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!"  
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE! I WILL FIX THIS MINOR PROBLEM! All you inexperienced people step back!" shouts Moody  
"V is for Vicky that's good enough for me  
V is for Vicky that's good enough for me  
V is for Vicky that's good enough for meeeeeeee  
Vicky, Vicky, Vicky starts with V!" Ron sings.  
"YOU IDIOT! You only made him change songs!" Lockhart says pompously.  
Fred and George Weasley come in on their broomsticks followed by the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, (including Wood even though Ron is the keeper of the Quidditch team too). "C'mon Ron, snap out of it!" George yells.  
The rest of the Quidditch team all yell (although Ginny is not there but is also part of the Quidditch team) "Yeah, Ron! You're being weird!"  
"That's not what I said!" George says calmly.  
Lockhart steps forward. "Obviously, nothing is working! Let me perform my spell, (Made it myself you know)!"  
Dumbledore steps forward. "This is despicable! My socks will set this right!"  
Professor McGonagall stamps her foot. "No they won't! THEY ARE AGAINST THE RULES!!"  
"WILL NO ONE LISTEN? We gotta find the Philosopher's Chamber of Azkaban and the Goblet of Phoenix!!" Harry screams while jumping around.  
While Harry continues to jump up and down Hermione screams, "HARRY, SHUT UP! YOU KNOW NOTHING! YOU HAVE A THING FOR SAVING PEOPLE!"  
"STOP YELLING! IT'S AGAINST THE RULES! #3. STUDENTS MUST NOT SING OR YELL!!!!!!!!!!" McGonagall loses her temper.  
"Hey, Hermione!  
I think  
You're fine  
You really blow my mind  
I just want you to knoooow  
I wanna be your Viktor Krum  
Hey, Hermione!" Ron sings again, this time with a dance.  
"STOP SINGING! IT'S AGAINST THE RULES!" yells McGonagall who has completely forgotten about her 5 million rules.  
George flies over to McGonagall. "Professor? Are you okay? You seem a little more high-strung than usual... "  
"Yeah, Professor, you're wacky!" screams the rest of the quidditch team.  
"That's not what I said!" George screams back.  
Dumbledore walks over to George and whispers, "She'll be okay just as long as my socks are functional, which they are! Everything will be fine in a matter of hours."  
Fred flies over behind Dumbledore and says, " Er- okay, Headmaster, um...... We were wondering what happened to Ginny? We need her for our game."  
"She has been taken into the Philosopher's Chamber of Azkaban. I have been TRYING to tell you all! We need to find this Chamber! And the only way to get in is to find the Goblet of Phoenix," Harry yells.  
"OH NO! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!!!" yells Fred.  
"All will be back to normal in a matter of hours. My socks will solve the problemo." Dumbledore says in his annoyingly calm voice.  
"WE WILL NOT DO ANYTHING! Rule #7891.) Students shall not go off looking for hidden chambers!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"I am the most qualified candidate for the defense against the dark arts job! NO ONE ELSE BUT ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!  
George goes over to Fred and whispers so that the quidditch team can't hear, "Look it Snape! He wants the job more than usual." Fred snickers.  
Unfortunately, (though funny for us) the quidditch team heard. "Professor, you're a maniac!"  
"THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID!" George says loudly. Strangely, Fred is laughing.  
George puts that odd laughing behind him and remembers Ginny was taken into the Philosopher's Chamber of Azkaban. "We've got to do something, regardless of what the rules are, Professors!"  
"NO, I SHOULD BE THE DEFFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!" Snape yells again.  
"Hello Hermione,  
This is Ron, Hermione.  
It's so nice to have you back where you belong  
You're looking swell, Hermione,  
We can tell, Hermione  
You're still growin'  
You're still crowin'  
Goin' strong!  
We feel the room swaying,  
For the band's playing,  
One of your old favorite songs from  
Way back when  
SoooOO  
Take her wrap, Viktor!  
Find her an empty lap, Viktor!  
Hermione'll never go away!  
Hermione'll never go away!  
Hermione'll never go away again!" Ron sings with his special dance.  
Fred and George fly over to Ron and shout in unison, "RON! START WORRYING MORE ABOUT GINNY!"  
The quidditch team definitely heard that. "Yeah, Ron, you sing badly!"  
George loses his patience now. "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID YOU STUPID PRATS!"  
"Come on, George! They're just having a bit of fun! You don't have to start calling names now do we?"  
All of the teachers had forgotten their line and were standing in various places around the Gryffindor common room.  
Everyone started arguing about what to do. Then yelling. Then screaming.  
Over all the noise Lockhart tried to shout, "I'll perform my spell now!"  
All of a sudden there was a poof and tons smoke. Everyone was silent. When finally the smoke cleared, 19 people stood facing the characters from Harry Potter. 19 people, 6 separate worlds. Five were Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Gollum, and Aragorn from Middle Earth. Two others were Alanna and George of Tortall. There also was Holly, Chix, Artemis, and Juliet from the Haven. Next was a foursome, Nita, Kit, Dairine and Ponch from the Time Heart. Also there were Stanley and Zero from Camp Greenlake but last in line (but not least) was Charlotte Doyle from her ship.  
No one seemed to want to break the silence. Finally George said, "Well now you've done it, Professor Lockhart!"  
"Yeah, Professor, you're horrible!" yelled the quidditch team.  
"I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY ANYTHING, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!" George screamed back. He was starting to get aggravated with the quidditch team  
"Well, Headmaster, it seems like another job for your woolly socks now doesn't it?" Fred said sarcastically.  
"You are quite right, Mr. Weasley!" Dumbledore said while Fred looked at him like he was crazy, (which he is).  
"Well, I have no idea what's going on here, but if this is another person wanting me to move their planet, I'm NOT doing it!" Dairine said exasperated.  
"Come on Dairine, not everything revolves around you," Kit and Nita said at the same time.  
"My questions where we are, why we are here, and how do we get out," Gandalf said calmly.  
"Hey! Look George! That old bloke looks just like Dumbledore!" Fred yelled.  
"Gandalf is more than an old bloke if I do say so myself!" Frodo comments.  
"Ha! Who says so? Gandalf is an old bloke!" Gollum says.  
"No, he's an almost all powerful wizard!" Sméagol yells back.  
"Your Majesty, would you like me to find a way out of this place?" Alanna said with mock curtsey bow. George of Tortall gives her a wry look and then starts laughing. Soon everyone in the whole common room is laughing.  
"Alanna, that was funny! I hope you know that I consider you a friend, not one of my fellow borrowers," King George comments  
"What I want to know is if you have anything valuable," Artemis says.  
"THEIF! I told you that you wouldn't get a lollipop if you misbehaved!" Holly yells.  
"Well hello, little girl, how may I be of service?" Chix asks Hermione. She giggles but says nothing.  
"HEY, BUDDY! YOU CAN HELP HER BY HELPING ME SING A SONG ABOUT HER!" Ron yells.  
"I'd be honored, whatever your name is," Chix says back.  
"You boys better not be planning to sing. It's against the rules," McGonagall said in her trying to be calm voice.  
"What's with this hag and rules anyway?" asked Gimli.  
"No idea and I'm almost positive I don't want to find out... Ron, come let's plan what song we'll sing.  
"I'll see if we can get out of here any time soon," Alanna said to The Thief King.  
"Hmmmm. I see you have Woolly Socks, Headmaster Dumbledore," Gandalf the White commented.  
"Yes, yes, I do. They are all powerful!" Dumbledore replied.  
"Aaaaaah, I see... Mine are too," he says while taking out socks from the depths of his cloak.  
"Our socks combined together can solve the school problem!" yelled Dumbledore.  
"EVERYONE SHUT UP! THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!" yelled Fred.  
Everyone was quiet so Chix and Ron found this an opening to sing their song.  
"Pig it out uh uh pig out  
Pig it out uh uh uoh!  
Pig it out uh uh pig out  
Pig it out uh uh uoh!  
I got my knife  
Two forks at hand,  
I got no food cause  
I'm a lady's man  
Got my spoon  
Ladle  
Full of soup  
Check out the Wings  
The name is Chix! Uh!  
Nananananananana  
Nanananananana  
Nananananananana  
Nananana na!  
R-o-n-a-l to the d  
Who is it I like?  
Rat, that's Hermione.  
I don't do my homework  
And I hate the gnomes  
All I do is quidditch eat and sleep.  
You've got to gooo eat that food.  
Better fix your wand before you're cursed  
Keep taping it or you'll never be first!  
Better fix that wand before you're cursed  
Keep taping it or you'll never be first!  
You've got to gooo eat that food-"  
"HEY! THAT'S OUR SONG!" Stanley yells.  
All of a sudden there was another bang and an albino named Harold from the circus appeared out of nowhere.  
"Alright, Lockhart, you're fired!" McGonagall barked. "I can not find a way out, all of the entrances to other worlds are sealed," Alanna whispered to the Thief Lord.  
"Alright, Alanna, we'll have to find another way out. But I fear there isn't much time. Order in this world is completely lost," he said.  
"A wise man once said, when the lines of the elders are broken, chaos spreads through the worlds," the girl in the corner said. She was quietly listening to the various conversations and was thinking back to the days on her ship. Charlotte Doyle was her name.  
"Well, if this statement is true, then it's Lockhart's fault! He made the havoc that broke the lines!" yelled Aragorn who was also listening to the conversations.  
"Oh, sure, blame everything on the dumb guy! Reeeeal nice of you, Mister!" Lockhart said sarcastically from a little cage in the fire place which was enchanted to not burn.  
The Gryffindor common room was slightly crowded and people were on the steps and tables.  
"We should go down to the Great Hall, it will be less crowded," Fred said.  
"Good idea, my twin," George said.  
"Horrible idea, ugly twin!" the quidditch team yelled.  
"WE'RE IDENTICAL! HE CAN'T BE UGLY UNLESS I AM! AND I'M NOT!!!!!!" George yelled back.  
Everyone went down to the Great Hall and sat at the tables and finally Holly said, "What if all of the leaders of the worlds assembled a line, would the gateways be opened?"  
"It's not that easy, Captain Short. All of the worlds would have to get along, after that they might be opened. Even then, I don't know if the gateways would ever seal again..." Charlotte said calmly.  
"How did you know I like being called Captain Short?"  
"I've kept an eye on the worlds over the years"  
"Enough small talk! We've got to save Ginny!" Fred said loudly.  
"Who's Ginny?!" more than half the room yelled.  
"Okay, this is what happened, I saw Ron's sister Ginny get taken into the Philosopher's Chamber of Azkaban. I wanted to go get her right away, but the teachers sustained me! We need to find the Goblet of Phoenix. It opens the Chamber," Harry said still jumping around like a pogo stick.  
"Our world is so much better than yours are!" Lockhart yelled out of the blue from his cage in the fire. 


	2. The Battle of the woolly socks

2 The Battle of the Woolly Socks  
  
"Excuse me?" Zero said dumbfounded.  
"THIS MEANS WAR!" Juliet yelled.  
"What? No! We need your help to find Ginny," Fred screams hopelessly.  
"You should be worried more about yourself now that you've got Juliet angry," Charlotte said, "You don't stand a chance now. I'm not on either side so don't expect me to help you."  
"You mess with the best, you die like the rest!" Frodo screamed.  
"They're the ones who brought us here! Let us burn the dumb one! He is the cause of all this!" Gimli shouted maliciously.  
"Wait! No! I don't wanna be burnt to a crisp!! There must be some other way!" Lockhart stammers while backing further into his cage.  
"There is no other way. Good-bye, Gilderoy," McGonagall said, "Besides you deserve it! You broke far too many rules!  
"THE WOOLLY SOCKS SHALL BATTLE! HOGWARTS AGAINST THE REST OF THE WORLDS!" Gandalf yelled.  
"What an unfair war!" George yelled.  
"Very fair. Nice work, Gandalf!" the quidditch team yelled in unison.  
By this time, George had completely lost his mind with fury. His face was red and he looked as if he was going to kill every last person on the Gryffindor team one by one.  
A rather solid looking poltergeist flies into the Great Hall directly followed by a tired-looking man with shabby robes.  
"Hello, Professor Lupin! And Peeves too what a pleasant surprise," growled Filch who had been hiding in a broom closet the whole time. Several people jumped at the sight of him.  
"Hello, Filchy-Wilchy! Come to get the poor puppy and I in trouble have you? Well, I must say that I'm having far too much fun taunting my little wolf friend to get kicked out. Just not you're lucky day is it?" Peeves said in his most sing-song voice blowing loud raspberries every few words. He started zooming around the room out of Filch's reach. "Lupin! Lupin! Looney, Loopy, Lupin!"  
"Oh, you'll be expelled outta here faster than you can sing "Oh Potter you Rotter," I'll go talk to Headmaster Dumbledore now," Filch said out of breath.  
  
(Next few paragraphs are a curtsey of Eileen Spath. THANKS BEANS!)  
  
A man with straggling hair and a gaunt face enters the room. "I was tired of hiding behind the curtain" the man said loudly and cheerfully. "All those brains too. It was rather disturbing. Plus I wanted to see my most favorite godson."  
"Sirius? What?"  
"PADFOOT, OLD PAL! YOU'RE BACK!"  
"Harry! Look, it's SNUFFLES!"  
"Well, I'll be! If it isn't the man that can turn into a dog! I had bet my socks that he could never leave without winnin' a war!"  
"Wasn't he supposed to be a murderer and sneak?" No one had noticed a dreamy girl with a wand behind her left ear wander in. "But I bet that isn't really the real Sirius Black. Maybe it's Stubby."  
"It's Looney Lovegood! Ha! Looney!" Ron said quite loudly. "Not Luna! Looney!"  
"We should think of a battle plan. GROUP HUDDLE!" Moody screams hoarsely.  
  
HOGWARTS HUDDLE  
  
"What are we even fighting about?" Sirius says questionably.  
"Well Lockhart was stupid enough to say that our worlds were better than all of theirs so we got in a huge fight," Fred explained.  
Moody made his magical eye swerve to Lockhart's cage. "Maybe we should let him out. He could prove helpful. His disastrous spells could kill every person on the world down to the last grandma." Lockhart looked hopefully at McGonagall.  
"Fine. We'll let him out on one condition. If he breaks anything he has to find the exact replica to replace it." McGonagall still didn't seem too happy about the idea of letting him out.  
"WAR! What is it good for?  
Absolutely nothing!  
Say it again!" (Just guess who said that.)  
"Everyone, aim for Dumbledore look-alike. He seems to be one of the most powerful people here," Lupin put in. Over on the other side of the room Aragorn and Legolas were practicing fighting and techniques; they looked much more threatening than Gandalf who was looking into space blankly in a corner.  
Luna was humming a songless tune and Frodo started to drift towards the Hogwarts Huddle to spy. Luna took her wand from behind her ear and muttered something inaudible. Frodo looked like he had went mad or something. Everyone looked at Luna stunned.  
"I didn't know she could do stuff like that!"  
"She is Ravenclaw."  
"Okay we pretty much have our techniques down," Moody said. "CONSTANT VILLAGENCE! Just keep your eyes peeled."  
"But wait! We haven't planned anything! We have no techniques!" Hermione yelled loudly.  
  
INTRUDERS HUDDLE  
  
"Battle them with the thing you do best. Do not rest until they are beaten," Aragorn said.  
"Everyone, start practicing your technique!" yelled Legolas  
All the intruders went to different corners and started practicing what they did best. Meanwhile two girls from no book strode in. Immediately they spotted when they saw Legolas and Aragorn.  
"OH MY GOSH! It's Orlando Bloom! Cute!" one of the girls shrieked.  
"Hmm. You must have mistaken me for someone else. I'm Legolas Greenleaf, King of the Woodland Realm."  
"And what about Viggo Mortensen? He's handsome too!" the other girl screamed equally enthusiastically.  
"Who's he?"  
"ARAGORN!"  
"OH! Legolas is so much cuter!"  
"I think they're both attractive in their own way."  
"No way! Aragorn is OLD. He's like 45"  
"He is SO not old!"  
"He SO is!"  
"Excuse me, what are your names?" Frodo asked.  
"Gladys. But some people call me 'happy bottom.' Ms. I-love-Aragorn is Laura," the first girl that spoke said.  
"Completely insignificant names."  
"EW! EW! It's Elijah Wood! His initials are EW!" both girls screamed.  
"NO! Shush! That was my previous life as a completely crazy man and now I'm a character in a book. DON'T RUIN IT FOR ME!" Frodo whispered urgently.  
"Yeah, if that's true, I'm the wicked witch of the west," Laura said.  
Both girls sigh deeply in unison thinking of their favorite Lord of the Rings character.  
"LOOK, LAURA! It's Ron! Let's go over to say hi," Gladys screamed.  
"And Harry and Hermione too! Pinch me! I must be dreaming! OUCH!" Laura screamed loudly.  
The girls started to head towards the other huddle but Harold prevented them. "No one can go over there! They'll accuse us of spying!"  
"But we WANT to spy on them! If you won't let them go I'll go!" Frodo strode over to the Hogwarts Huddle, returned a moment later completely crazy, and was put away from the battle field.  
"HA! It serves the self-admiring Elijah Wood right!" Gladys says triumphantly.  
"The Huddle has ended! INTO BATTLE!" bellowed Gandalf awakened from his daze.  
  
THE BATTLE  
  
The Intruders lined up facing HP Army. Aragorn draws his sword. Legolas readies his bow. Gimli sharpens his axe. Mostly everyone on the HP side raise their wands. Stanley and Zero slap their shovels to their hands like bats. Kit and Nita look in their manuals for the killing spell while Dairine sets it up on the floor. Alanna and George of Tortall draw their swords. The quidditch team ascends on their brooms and gathers up the Bludgers, Quaffles and snitches and get ready to release them. Holly puts on her shield and gets ready to mesmerize anyone who comes near her. Juliet punches mid air and Artemis starts up his computer. Dumbledore and Gandalf whip out their woolly socks. Ron and Chix clear their voices. Harold calls his elephants. Ponch starts barking in excitement. Lockhart was wobbling around mumbling things under his breath.  
The battle started. This is pretty how much the scene looked: Gandalf and Dumbledore glaring at one another brandishing their woolly socks, Artemis blasting everyone who came near him with his computer, Holly, invisible, recruiting more members to the army with her mezmer, Chix and Ron singing songs against the other, ("Can you feel the love tonight? The peace the evening brings? The world for once, in perfect harmony, with all its living things!" sings Chix. "I'm singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain! What a glorious feeling! I'm happy again! I'm laughin' at clouds! So dark up above! The sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love-"Ron sings.), Hermione, Harry, Snape Luna and Neville, who had just appeared, were trying to jinx Nita, Dairine and Kit who were sitting on the floor conjuring sheild spells, Juliet was pouncing anyone who came near her, Lupin was in his werewolf form and Sirius was the big, shaggy black dog biting at Harold's elephants and fighting with Ponch, the quidditch team flying around looking for Holly, Aragorn, Gimli Legolas, Alanna and George all trying to deal with Lockhart who was pointing random spells at even more random places, Frodo still drooling in the corner and Laura and Gladys looking eager with their hands clasped following Aragorn's and Legolas's every move, and Charlotte Doyle was, oddly, laughing her head off, once again, in a corner.  
  
Everyone was so busy fighting that they didn't notice that Lockhart was making up another spell. He shouted it very loudly so that Alanna, George, Gimli, Aragorn and Legolas jumped and stepped back. Standing near the great hall doors were the Pirates of the Caribbean Characters: Captain Jack Sparrow, Will Turner, Elizabeth Swann, Commodore Norrington, and the two stupid soldiers. Lockhart shouted another spell. It was even louder and more complicated. A mass a figures appeared at the doors of the great hall: Voldemort and a some death eaters, Barbosa and a few of his pirates, Sauron's tower, the Lord of the Nazgal, and some orcs, The Lone Power, the Warden, and Flip's boyfriend. 


End file.
